Let’s face it America: all the pollsters and pundits blew it. They told you that Donald Trump was going to be a flash-in-the-pan and that Hillary Clinton would walk straight into the White House. Whoops! Looks like we’ve got a race for president after all.

But instead of throwing some mumbo-jumbo statistics at you that aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on, here is a breakdown of the American electorate that gets to the point of what actually matters: who the voters are and what they care about. So without further ado, here are your candidates for President of the United States, grouped by their supporters.

Eat your heart out Nate Silver.

YOU’RE A DEMOCRAT SUPPORTING…

 

HILLARY CLINTON – Your household income is less than $40,000 or more than $200,000 but you are convinced that you’re part of the middle class. On Election Day, you plan on huffing the helium out of campaign balloons so that you have something to be excited about.

BERNIE SANDERS – You are two of the following three: (1) rich; (2) white; (3) under 30; and you think that everyone should pay more taxes because we all get our money from our grandparents anyway.

YOU’RE A REPUBLICAN SUPPORTING…

 

TED CRUZ – You didn’t have the balls to follow through on your promise to move to Canada if Barack Obama was re-elected, which is why you want a Canadian to be President this time around.

DONALD TRUMP – You heard about voting one time on Dallas and are considering giving it a try this year. You are hoping to elect someone who will talk to Barack Obama the same way you talk to employees at the Post Office.

MARCO RUBIO – You hate Barack Obama for being young, eloquent, and under qualified for the job. You love Marco Rubio because he is young, eloquent, and… Shit.

JEB BUSH – You are now or were once an employee of the Republican Party.

CHRIS CHRISTIE – You watch History Channel World War II documentaries and have a bumper sticker that reads, “Never Forget”. If your favorite club was a 12-gauge and not a 5-iron, you’d be voting for Trump.

JOHN KASICH – You have a proud history of supporting “the best man for the job,” which is why you voted for Steve Forbes in ’96, John McCain in ‘00, and Jon Huntsman in ‘12.

BEN CARSON – You always vote for the candidate who reminds you the most of Jesus and by-golly, Ben Carson is black too!

 

CARLY FIORINIA – You are one of the 12 people not on Carly Fiorina’s campaign payroll who know that she is still running for president.

 

YOU’RE A REPUBLICAN WHO WILL BE WRITING IN…

 

RAND PAUL– You are too busy prepping your doomsday shelter and disconnecting your phones to realize that Rand Paul has dropped out of the race.

 

RICK SANTORUM – You are mistakenly watching YouTube videos from 2012 and wondering what kind of crackpot political party thinks that people named Mitt, Newt, or Herman will ever be elected President. You conclude that it’s the moderates who gave their children such terrible names and go back to polishing your gun.

YOU’RE AN AMERICAN WANTING TO KNOW WHO WILL LEAD THIS COUNTRY…

 

Well then take a number! That one’s got us all stumped. Get out and vote and remember to celebrate the most important part: that the Republic will carry on.

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Alex Keeney